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I have bad reflexes

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I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Woody Allen

Pleased to be anywhere

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I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

George Burns

Not failing every now and again

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If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Woody Allen

Keep a diary

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I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.

Mae West

Best government

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We have the best government that money can buy.

Mark Twain

I had nothing on

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It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

Marilyn Monroe

On posing nude for a calendar photograph

God would give me some sign

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If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.

Woody Allen

Through the prongs of a fork

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If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

David Brent

No sense being a damn fool

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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no sense being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

Why men need instant replays in sports

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Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Rita Rudner

According to modern astronomers

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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Woody Allen

Be late and not just 2 minutes

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If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

David Brent

JokeShire

All you need is a laugh, a Laugh is all you need!...

Pages

I have bad reflexes

Pleased to be anywhere

Not failing every now and again

Keep a diary

Best government

I had nothing on

God would give me some sign

Through the prongs of a fork

No sense being a damn fool

Why men need instant replays in sports

According to modern astronomers

Be late and not just 2 minutes

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